using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
