Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
