Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
