i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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