i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
