They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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