So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
