i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
