if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
