bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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