one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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