If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
