I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
