just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
