This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
