Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
