I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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