I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
