Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
