i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
