Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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