I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
