i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
