i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
