I want to walk on stilts...naked
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
