and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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