I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
FUCK WHALES
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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