Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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