I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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