Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
