Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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