I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
