Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
