now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
