I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i now understand why vodka
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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