dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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