What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
