I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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