You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
