i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
