Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
