I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
