Kiss
Puke
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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