The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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