dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
