thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
