I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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