she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
babies were throwing up all over the place
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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