Already got asked if we're dating
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
