my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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