This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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