zippers are such a cool invention
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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