I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
