Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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